Friday, February 26, 2010

What Happened ?

Where have you been? What are you doing? What happened to See Mom Run Bike Swim?

I tripped while running, I fell off my bike and then I just wanted to sit at the bottom of the pool and not take another breath in. Is that so bad?

I had dreams, ambitions and ideas. They came in as a flood. When you are in a drought you feel as though this water flowing in is what you were thirsting for. Then you realize that the water isn’t stopping and soon it is at your nose and you’re breathing it in, drowning. This is what I felt happened to me. Right when I had so many ideas to get this site on its feet, I was smacked in the face with postpartum depression and may I add about 15 additional pounds. EGH!


Throw in a couple months, a few pounds and I’ll admit 2 new white hairs, I found myself mid-January in the kitchen pouring my son some milk. Then it happened. In the excitement of getting his sippy cup filled he pushed me, which led to spilling about half a gallon of milk all over the counter. Now we have all heard the term “Don’t cry over spilt milk”. I didn’t. Instead I started SHAKING with anger. I continued shaking and spilling the milk. It just came over me, I had had it! I wasn’t mad at my son, I was mad at my nerves. I crossed the line. From staying indoors for weeks, not being able to fit in my fat jeans, feeling as though I wasn’t making my son smarter (if that makes sense), and hell I don’t know what else, I lost it .

For some reason, I didn’t know where to go from there. Made a phone call to the husband and he came home and I just left. I roamed around Borders, lost and trying not to fall to my knees and cry hysterically. Once I found Borders depressing enough, I drove back home and just sat in the driveway. I made a call to my bestfriend in Japan and tried to keep from crying. Very thankful to have a friend that made me laugh I was able to hide the tears that were pouring down my face. Then the phone call to the mother begins. I felt her listen to me silently go over the deep end. I wanted to be to strong, I didn’t want to say, “I’m depressed”. She only asked, “Have you been exercising?” I responded, “No. I haven’t done shit. It’s raining, my kids are crazy, I am crazy.” Conversation dropped.

Continuing to sit in the car, I looked through the kitchen window and watched my husband attempt to make our daughter a bottle with her squirming in his hands. Thinking to myself, I asked, “ why does he make the easiest things, look so hard?”. Aggravated with watching him, I made my way back inside. Got the kids to bed, then turned to the hubby and said, “we need to talk”.

At that point I let myself go. It all came out. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I sucked at being a mom, a wife and a friend. Life in general sucked. After hearing out loud, “life sucks”, I remembered a phrase my mother said to me as I was growing up. “Life sucks and then you die.” I always hated when she said that. Because you know what? Life doesn’t suck. Life is freaking amazing! LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT TO BE.

With that and encouragement from my husband I decided to go to the gym and pick up spin class. It would give me time away from the kids and time to think while moving. Having always been athletic, this was the only thing I knew I didn’t “suck” at. From spinning, to running , to getting a coach my life starting coming back together.

I may not knit, sew, scrapbook, keep up with playdates, bake, write “thank you” notes, smile constantly, keep in touch, put make-up on everyday. And I do have laundry sitting in laundry baskets waiting to be put away, with little GEICO eyes following me around the house (heck , its clean though ). But you know what? I can RUN, BIKE and SWIM and that’s all I need to keep my sanity.

This is to all women that can’t keep up with the “trend” of motherhood. This is to the moms that feel they just CAN’T do it. Take a step back and breathe, know that you aren’t the only one. You can strap those kiddos in or on, or leave them with your loved one and MOVE. Take a walk, do some lunges or jumping jacks. Step outside and take a deep breath in. Go outside and run in place while screaming your head off, heck I don’t care. If you can do one thing for yourself, MOVE.