Friday, February 26, 2010

What Happened ?

Where have you been? What are you doing? What happened to See Mom Run Bike Swim?

I tripped while running, I fell off my bike and then I just wanted to sit at the bottom of the pool and not take another breath in. Is that so bad?

I had dreams, ambitions and ideas. They came in as a flood. When you are in a drought you feel as though this water flowing in is what you were thirsting for. Then you realize that the water isn’t stopping and soon it is at your nose and you’re breathing it in, drowning. This is what I felt happened to me. Right when I had so many ideas to get this site on its feet, I was smacked in the face with postpartum depression and may I add about 15 additional pounds. EGH!


Throw in a couple months, a few pounds and I’ll admit 2 new white hairs, I found myself mid-January in the kitchen pouring my son some milk. Then it happened. In the excitement of getting his sippy cup filled he pushed me, which led to spilling about half a gallon of milk all over the counter. Now we have all heard the term “Don’t cry over spilt milk”. I didn’t. Instead I started SHAKING with anger. I continued shaking and spilling the milk. It just came over me, I had had it! I wasn’t mad at my son, I was mad at my nerves. I crossed the line. From staying indoors for weeks, not being able to fit in my fat jeans, feeling as though I wasn’t making my son smarter (if that makes sense), and hell I don’t know what else, I lost it .

For some reason, I didn’t know where to go from there. Made a phone call to the husband and he came home and I just left. I roamed around Borders, lost and trying not to fall to my knees and cry hysterically. Once I found Borders depressing enough, I drove back home and just sat in the driveway. I made a call to my bestfriend in Japan and tried to keep from crying. Very thankful to have a friend that made me laugh I was able to hide the tears that were pouring down my face. Then the phone call to the mother begins. I felt her listen to me silently go over the deep end. I wanted to be to strong, I didn’t want to say, “I’m depressed”. She only asked, “Have you been exercising?” I responded, “No. I haven’t done shit. It’s raining, my kids are crazy, I am crazy.” Conversation dropped.

Continuing to sit in the car, I looked through the kitchen window and watched my husband attempt to make our daughter a bottle with her squirming in his hands. Thinking to myself, I asked, “ why does he make the easiest things, look so hard?”. Aggravated with watching him, I made my way back inside. Got the kids to bed, then turned to the hubby and said, “we need to talk”.

At that point I let myself go. It all came out. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I sucked at being a mom, a wife and a friend. Life in general sucked. After hearing out loud, “life sucks”, I remembered a phrase my mother said to me as I was growing up. “Life sucks and then you die.” I always hated when she said that. Because you know what? Life doesn’t suck. Life is freaking amazing! LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT TO BE.

With that and encouragement from my husband I decided to go to the gym and pick up spin class. It would give me time away from the kids and time to think while moving. Having always been athletic, this was the only thing I knew I didn’t “suck” at. From spinning, to running , to getting a coach my life starting coming back together.

I may not knit, sew, scrapbook, keep up with playdates, bake, write “thank you” notes, smile constantly, keep in touch, put make-up on everyday. And I do have laundry sitting in laundry baskets waiting to be put away, with little GEICO eyes following me around the house (heck , its clean though ). But you know what? I can RUN, BIKE and SWIM and that’s all I need to keep my sanity.

This is to all women that can’t keep up with the “trend” of motherhood. This is to the moms that feel they just CAN’T do it. Take a step back and breathe, know that you aren’t the only one. You can strap those kiddos in or on, or leave them with your loved one and MOVE. Take a walk, do some lunges or jumping jacks. Step outside and take a deep breath in. Go outside and run in place while screaming your head off, heck I don’t care. If you can do one thing for yourself, MOVE.


  1. Ah yes, I remember those times!! My children are 13, 15, and 17. One of my BIG desires is to be there for my kiddos when they have little ones--it's so nice to have help!!

    Hang in there!! You're doing a GREAT job!!

    Have a BLESSED day!!

    Jody :>}

  2. what an awesome, honest post. I love the last line. I can do sth for myself, MOVE. you encouraged me!

  3. Glad you're back to taking care of yourself, I know the postpartum depression feelings all to well. And I'm so glad you're better and getting out! I look forward to keeping up with you :)

  4. I just had my second child in September so I totally know how you feel. I'm glad you decided to get moving! Running is cheap therapy :-) I've been back at it again now for the past 2 or 3 months and I feel so much better.

    You are a great mom! And if mommy's happy, then everyone is happy!

    (p.s. this is alisha s. from dailymile...i think we're already friends there!)

  5. Wow, we have a lot in common as moms. It's refreshing to hear other conservative women admit they don't bake, sew, scrapbook, knit or keep up with play dates but they're active physically and love to be outside staying healthy. Keep up the awesome blog! Do you still need a couple pics from me?

  6. I think we've all had these kinds of moments! You are not alone! (Donna from Daily Mile)

  7. You are not alone, and you are AN AMAZING WOMAN!
    I am always inspired by you, especially your honesty - which is pretty funny sometimes.
    Thanks for telling me to MOVE!
    Gonna go wash my car now - lol!
    (But at least it's something.)
    Love you Christina!
    I'm always here for you guys.
    And definitely know the postpartum depression all too well.

  8. Have you heard of Switchfoot? Take a peek at their song, "Dare You to MOVE"! I think you'll like it...if only for the message. You're beautiful and inspirational- I hate it that I'm going to miss your class today. Cheers! Cynthia

  9. I think that all mom's, "sewing" and non-sewing alike, go through this. I personally go through this multiple times where I feel like I can't get my game together. Motherhood is overwhelming- it just is. Finding happiness for yourself, helps make you a better mom. So I think that what you are doing is excellent, and an up hill climb. You can tell you are a good mom though, b/c you are aware of your roles and responsibility and you are trying to figure out both. Figure it all out for the both of us please! -dayna

  10. I felt that way after both my girls. I don't think I was depressed. I just had lost myself. I wasn't me (or the me I wanted to be). Took me months to wiggle my way out of it. That's a huge part of what scares me about having a 3rd baby. I don't want to do that again.

    Running (training for a half marathon) really helped. It gave me time to be by myself a few hrs a wk. To think my own thoughts and work stuff out.

  11. What a great post...I've totally been there! Running and exercising keeps me sane!

  12. I don't know you. I actually have no idea how you decided to find me and post a motivation on my dailymile site, but I'm so glad you did. I'm sitting here almost in tears because I just ready my last two years of my life. I have a three year old daughter and a two year old son, and for the longest I have felt so lost (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and hit by postpartum. I felt so outside of myself, like I was drowning. I recently decided to go back to my roots and do something athletic. I decided to train for a triathlon, and just finished my first 10K!!!! Without my training friends, the road, and the gym I'd be lost. Its saving my sanity right now. I'm so glad you found me. I LOVE your blog. It is such an inspiration. I am going to share it with all of my mommy friends. This is something every woman needs to read. Good luck in your ventures. Maybe we will run into each other one day (if you are ever in TX:)