Thursday, December 9, 2010

Size 2: Old Navy Mirror and The People that Hate You for It

Today while shopping for flannel tops for a Christmas shoot tonight with Margaret Jacobsen Photography I had a defining moment.
Well I don't know about defining, but it left me laughing at the Old Navy dressing room mirrors face as if it was a real person and I just threw in his face that nobody likes him.
The Old Navy mirror has been a bully of mine. I avoid him like the plague.
The last time we encountered I was trying on a pair of size 14 jeans and couldnt button up the jeans without pouring out the top. I was weak and cried. The mirror laughed at me as if to say "Old Navy clothes are for skinny little white girls, not lumpy depressed mommies."
I remember my husband asking me if  I wanted him to grab me a bigger size, I said "HELL NO, I refuse to buy a size 16 pair of pants, I'll continue to live in my workout pants".
Wiping away tears and giving the mirror one last look, it smiled at me showing my round face, cellulite thighs, short stocky legs and boobs so big I coundnt fit into any top normally.
Though its only a mirror, I stormed out of Old Navy in shame. What had I become? What was I going to do about it?
So today in Old Navy I came across the clearance section. To many cute pairs of pants for under $10, but I was scared to go into the dressing rooms. Not even knowing where to start with size I grabbed a size 4. A lot has changed since the last time I was here. I knew I was smaller, lost almost 60 lbs from the last time I was in there. But the size 4 looked a little big .... so I grabbed a size 2 just in case.
Pushing the stroller loaded with my 2 kids, we wheeled into the handicapped dressing room. I actually kept my back to the mirror. Scared. All I needed to do was try the pants on, not look at myself. To get the worst out of the way, I tried the size 2 first, of course I second guessed myself and though "egh, its not worth the aggravation of not being the stupid pants up my thighs", but I did it I was somewhat confident.
Then they slipped on.
Buttoned up and I wasnt pouring over the top, I actually had a little room.
I spun around so fast to stare at myself in the mirror.
"SUCK IT, damn mirror, hahahaha HAHAHAHA hahaha size 2 baby!" - literally saying this out loud.
The mirror was pissed still informing my my legs are short, but all I said "Your just jealous".
I wanted to dance around Old Navy, I wanted to scream at someone working there to come over and look that I fit into a size 2. My kids werent that impressed, but I was glowing with pride.
At that moment when you are so proud you want to share with the world, but sharing a thing like weightloss and a size 2 can upset/piss people off.
I was so hesitant on posting my "HA HA" moment on Facebook. Not wanting the backlash of messages, or instant messages of boasting my weightloss when Im already so "skinny".
I posted anyways, and thank you all for your encouraging words. Though when I get my negative comments they are always sent via message, or snide comment in conversation it leaves me "irked".
I'm one person to let the comments roll, I dont hold on to things to long because I dont have the time and or dont care what other people think.
But I'm stating this now for all to see. Just because YOU dont consider me "fat" doesnt me that I havent felt that way.
I know some people will read this blog and think "well I think fitting a size 14 is great", and I agree. But we are all different body shapes and types. There are people that have not ever considered me "over weight" and when I bring it up they look at me as if to say " who the hell are you to say anything? You dont know what being overweight feels like, you have always been skinny". Um no.
Does this makes sense to you?
OCT '09 to OCT '10 
60 lbs before and after

Hahahaha, I laugh because I think those people are crazy, jealous and are just plain MEAN sometimes.
No, I dont starve myself. I actually eat like a horse.
No, my weight did not fall off after having 2 kids, I actually gained 15 plus pounds and had to work it off.
No, I DONT have a fast metabolism. Though I eat like a horse, if Im not working as hard as a horse I looked like a chubby little hamster.
I DO try and make healthy choices, and it in proper portions... sometimes.
I HAVE and DO (sometimes) work out multiple times a day with running/biking/swimming in high mileage.
I  have sweat my ARSE off in my living room with INSANITY & P90X workouts.
In the beginning I went without A LOT of yummy food.
I HAVE given up time with my FAMILY to be where I am now.
Ive gone through injuries.
I've cried while running.
Fallen off my bike.
Limped around my house with a sore body many of days.
I drink only water.
I have my 2 littles ones sit in a stroller for 2 hours as I get a run in.
Got a awesome personal trainer in the beginning that "enlightened" me to the shit I need to do.
I for go date nights to pay for a coach.

So you see. As I said, it didnt "magically" fall off. I literally worked my ASS off. Sacrificed time with my family.
To those of you who hate me for being not just "thin" but FIT , I say the same to do you as I did that mirror today.


  1. "Just because YOU dont consider me "fat" doesnt me that I havent felt that way."

    My weight doesn't fluctuate too much, but when I come home from the gym, and get out of the shower I FEEL so much more rockin' than if I didn't go workout. It is a mental state too isn't it?
    Kudos to you for continuing to kick butt :)

  2. You go girl! That is awesome and inspiring. You are right, just because people my not think a person is fat, doesn't mean they don't see themselves that way. I am happy for you!

  3. Good job!!! Man, I can't wait for that day! I had that moment at Old Navy too, and my husband refused to go shopping with me any more because I would rather not buy anything than get a bigger size. Agonizing. Now on my way down, I'm wearing ridiculously baggy pants (wooohooo) and can't wait until I go shopping again. I doubt I will be as dramatic as 14-2 though, you have been working your ass off and it shows!!

  4. I haven't met you IRL yet, but I freaking LOVE YOU!!!! You tell 'em girl :)

  5. you're such a great writer. your writing always impact me because it is true. congratulations. i'm at a size 14 but working my way down. 35 lbs lost so far and lots more to go but i'm encouraged by your story. btw, you look awesome, fit looks good on you!

  6. You've earned it girl....enjoy it!!!

  7. you are beautiful at any size :)
    but I get it. I SOOOO get it!
    I have lost over 100lbs in the last 2 years and while I have been at my :goal: wt for a while now, I wanna shed about 10lbs before next racing season. My family thinks Im
    nuts-obsessed-crazy-you look great NOW-
    blah blah blah
    but they don't know that 1 extra lb of fat makes me 3 seconds slower per mile. Yeah. that's alot of added speed in 10 measly pounds huh???

    LOVE IT! Rock those size 2's like it's nobody's business :D You EARNED it

  8. thats so awesome...good for you. I myself am kind of going through this...well more in I was once a size 13 pants found running lost some weight went down to a size 4 (for a brief moment) but I was totally happy at a size 6, then I lost my job, got married and well even though I wast still hitting the gym I had to go to Old Navy actually to buy a new pair of size 8 jeans...Ok as you said some ppl would happy to be a size 14, or even an 8, but having to go up a size no matter what size is slightly sad- its just motivation to kick it up right?!?! good luck to your adventures!

  9. That is great!! It's so true, for most people it takes A LOT of work.

  10. I have done that same dance in Old Navy. But have to be careful now as some of those "skinny" clothes are now "fat" clothes and fall off easily. Hard work has amazing rewards. And screw the haters. Just jealous anyway.